Medical Bloopers On Patient Charts!

[de.malady]

We've all seen sports bloopers and TV bloopers -- well, how about Medical bloopers?

Since the Medical Bloopers page was started we have collected all of the unintentionally funny things that doctors have written in medical files. Everything you will read, including bad spelling and grammar, has been lifted directly off of these reports.

All of the names have been omitted to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent! Too much work, too much to think about are probably the reasons that lead to the following mistakes and bloopers which were assembled from patients charts!

• The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
• The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
• Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
• She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
• The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
• Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Long fingers?)
• Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
• A midsystolic ejaculation murmur heard over the mitral area.
• The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
• Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
• The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead.
• When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
• Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
• She has no rigors or chills but her husband says she was very hot in bed last night.
• She can't get pregnant with her husband, so I will work her up.
• Whilst in Casualty she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
• The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
• On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
• The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
• I will be happy to go into her GI system, she seems ready and anxious.
• Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
• I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
• Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
• The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
• Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
• The patient has no past history of suicides.
• The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
• Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
• Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
• The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
• She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
• The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
• Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.
• He had a left-toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left-knee amputation last year.
• By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling much better.
• The patient is a 79-year-old widow who no longer lives with her husband.
• The patient refused an autopsy.
• Many years ago the patient had frostbite of the right shoe.
• The bugs that grew out of her urine were cultured in the Casualty and are not available. I WILL FIND THEM!!!
• The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints. ------------------