Baby Birth
Teeanage daughter to mother - 'Mom what is it like having a baby"
Mom - "umm....It's kinda of hard...it is like trying to pass a watermelon through a keyhole."
The Story of the Chinese Obstetrician
The Chinese in early 50's were going through a big baby boom period and the doctors were over-stretched.They devised a way of avoiding repeated visits by would be mothers. This is how the story goes:
A young chinese woman, three months pregnant went to see her local government obstetrician doctor who was very busy, his compunder saw her and asked her to quickly bare her tummy. He then reached into his desk and took out a rubber stamp, which he pressed below her navel and asked the young lady to go home.
At home, she and her curious husband tried to read the tiny chinese words printed on her belly, but they were too small. They then got a magnifying glass and tried to read the words; the stamp read: "When your husband can read this without the magnifying glasses, it's time to come to the hospital."
Obstetrician's wife
At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big, oversexed blonde, was making overtures at her husband. But it was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together.
At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, "Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"
Painless labour for mom and dad!
A lady and her husband,who went to the hospital to give birth to their child, heard of a new technology from the doctor, which would transfer the labour pain from the mother to the father.
The couple were both excited and very much in favour of it. The doctor however said that, to start with, he would transfer only 10% of the pain, as even that small amount of pain would be too much for the father. They agreed and the doctor started the transfer.
The father did not show any signs of pain as the doctor kept increasing the amount of transfer. The transfer was complete at one stage with 100% pain transferred to the father. The father was comfortable even at that stage and the mother delivered the baby. The couple left the hospital with the baby, literally painless and ecstatic, only to return home and find the mailman dead on the porch!
Pregnancy Q&A Contd......
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Miss-Diagnosis
A man comes into the ER yelling, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"
The ER physician, desperate to help the lady, grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and just finishes jerking off her underwear when he looks at the lady's shocked face.
The physician then realizes his blunder and turns pink with embarrassment -
There were several cabs lined up and obviously he was in the wrong one!
Tongue-tied pregnant woman
A doctor who confirms a woman's first pregnancy asks her if she has any questions.
She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
Twin sharing
Nurse: "Have you noticed, Doctor, that there have been a lot of twins lately?" Doctor: "Seeing how things are bad now-a-days, they are probably scared to come alone."
Wrong one
A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Hi-tech baby
Now-a-days the labour and delivery rooms are equipped with State-of-Art electronic gadgets. Recently when my sister delivered, the baby came out Cord-less.
Visit to the Maternity Ward
Father: (at the hospital looking through the glass at the newly arrived babies) "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled! Isn't she adorable?" Friend: "But your kid didn't smile." Father: "I was talking about the nurse."
Linear Mode
