Med jokes

[evolution]

There was this guy in the hospital that was scheduled for surgery. Onthe morning of his operation he starts yelling that he wants coffee.The nurse comes in and asks him to be quiet, as he is disturbing theother patients.
"But I've had coffee every morning for forty years and I want a cup ofcoffee NOW!" he screamed.
The nurse quickly and silently counts to ten and replies, "Now sir, yourealize that you are due to go into surgery in an hour and you can'thave anything on your stomach. Couldn't you do without coffee just thisonce?"
The guy starts to rant even more and the doctor comes in to see what isthe matter with the patient. The nurse explains the situation to himand the doctor turns to the belligerent man in bed before him, "Youunderstand that you can't have anything in your stomach before surgery,don't you?"
"I don't care. I. Want. Some. Coffee!!!!"
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Very well. I'll tell youwhat; the only way we can give you any coffee is through an enema.Would that make you happy?"
The guy pauses and replies, "Well, if that's the only way I can get anycoffee around here..."
So the doctor tells the nurse to give the guy a coffee enema to keephim quiet. The nurse returns with an enema bag and a fresh pot of hotcoffee.
She pours it into the bag, greases up the applicator and sticks it upthe guy's ass. "Ah, hot coffee!" the guy says with a satisfied tone. All of a sudden he starts into bitching and complaining again. "What'sthe matter this time?!" the exasperated nurse yells out. "It's toosweet!" the guy replies.

[evolution]

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?"
"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?"
"Oh.. Half a pack a day."
"Starting NOW, no more smoking."
The man agrees.
The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"
"Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while."
"Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions."
The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.
The doctor asks, "How do you eat?"
"Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff."
"Starting now you are going on a very strict diet: you are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese."
The man is now really worried.
"Doc, is all this really necessary?"
"Do you want to live long?"
"Yes."
"Absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet.
"The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues,
"Do you have sex?"
"Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.
"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you.
None." The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?"
"I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!"




Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. The first surgeon said, "I think that accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second surgeon said, "I think that librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything is in alphabetical order."
The third surgeon said, "I think that electricians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything is color coded."
The fourth surgeon said, "I think that lawyers are the easiest to operate on. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."





After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable toget it up anymore. He goes to his doctor, his doctor tries a few thingsbut nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers himto a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses "I am at a loss asto how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this", and throws some powder ona flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke....
The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use itoncea year! All you have to do is say '1 2 3' and it shall rise for as longas you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens after when its over?".
The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1 2 3 4' and it will godown". "But be warned it will not work again for a year!"
This guy goes home and that night is ready to surprise his wife with thegood news... So he is lying in bed with her and says "1 2 3", andsuddenly he gets a hard-on. His wife turns over and says "What did you say '1 2 3' for?"

[greg]

these med jokes are hilarious

[mralone]

funny specially the coffee one